HOW TO SEXT LIKE A CHAMP

by Abby Lowe, illustrations by DelHambre July 2017 LIFESTYLE Read in PDF format N14/2017
HOW TO SEXT LIKE A CHAMP Sex by phone

Such is society’s obsession for experiencing life through a pocket-sized communication device that these days we seemingly don’t even need to touch to reach screaming climax. Maybe it’s the final nail in the coffin for intimacy, a one-way ticket to the catastrophic demise of our species. We can’t let it happen. If you insist on sexting, at least make it spicy enough to lead to some actual slap and tickle. Don’t just talk the talk; walk the walk. Follow these tips on how for the sake of your fellow peers, and mostly importantly, for your own sex-starved loins. Help us help you get laid.

Don’t send dick pics…unless requested

There are no scenarios in which unsolicited dick pics are a turn on. As part of a conversation? Perhaps. But never has the sight of a stranger’s throbbing penis been well received. 

Don’t sext unless you’re both drunk

3.02 AM. Omg you’re so fit, I wannnna fuck u. 4.36 AM. I’m outside ur house, I can see you sleeping. 5.06 AM. IWSN Ajfkjgb’sueg3’’ ohognajn?1! You think: charming and irresistible. They think: creepy and desperate. 

Don't divulge your weird fetishes…yet.

Perfectly acceptable if you’re in a relationship or you’ve specifically hunted out someone with the same propensity for kinky shit. 

Don’t use cringeworthy vocab

Never ever ever EVER use any of the following terminology: sensual, member, penetration, intercourse, snog, hug, vagina, cute little wet patch, snuggle. And remember to use spellcheck, no one wants to be ducked hard. 

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