HOW NOT TO BE AN IDIOT WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK

by Abby Lowe, illustrations by DelHambre May 2017 LIFESTYLE Read in PDF format N13/2017
HOW NOT TO BE AN IDIOT WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK We are all idiots when we’re drunk

We are all idiots when we’re drunk. It is an unavoidable side eff ect of modern drinking culture that at some stage we will embarrass ourselves so excruciatingly that for one brief, horrible moment on waking we will wish we were dead. For some, this may be more than a fl eeting emotion - it depends on the scale of the crime - but for sure, we’ve all experienced the gut-wrenching sensation that only surfaces when we’ve done something wrong as a result of downing too much booze. We don’t remember what the thing was but it was defi nitely really, really bad. Vast swathes of time have disappeared from memory, people have stopped speaking to you and for the next 24 hours you will suff ocate under the smothering blanket of your own self hatred. So while being slightly moronic when drunk is essentially unavoidable, consider the following a little exercise in damage limitation. 

Don’t get political

No one - genuinely no one - cares what you think about Brexit. Remember, there is nothing less appealing when you’re riding the drunken wave than listening to someone rectify the world’s political conundrums. You’re Nelson from The Simpsons, not Nelson Mandela.

Don’t be abusive

Often the result of downing so many shots you can no longer recall what a spoon is for. Your mental capacity regresses to that of a baby: a baby who is angry because he can’t use cutlery. You start lashing out with your words and fists, frustrated by your own stupidity. Keep it chill, Mike Tyson.

Don’t argue with your partner

You had a fight about Nicolas Cage’s shittest movie. You said it was Ghost Rider, she said it was Bangkok Dangerous. Now you’re tipsy and roping everyone in on the fight, which is pointless because obviously The Wicker Man is the worst ever Nicolas Cage film

Keep your life story to yourself

How many drinks do you need to have consumed before embarking on a teary-eyed trip down memory lane? Not many. But if you’re at a bar, not one single person wants to hear about the time your dreams of being a professional footballer were ‘dashed’ by a broken leg.

Stop drinking

Ask yourself, as you place a straw inside a bottle of wine, why? Why am I about to drink a bottle of wine through a straw? Who am I? That should stop you in your tracks because you’re wise enough to know you’ll never find the answer at the bottom of a bottle. The answers only come after two.

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